Ambiguous grief is a complex grief that can be described as any loss without closure you may experience after losing someone who is still alive. This is an experience in life that is rarely escaped.
Some examples of life experiences that bring on ambiguous grief are:
- Breaking up with a romantic partner
- Divorce
- A loved one being diagnosed with alzheimer’s
- Loving someone with an addiction
- Estranged Children/Parents/Loved Ones
- Friendships dissipating abruptly
- Loving someone with an untreated mental illness
What Is Ambiguous Grief?
One example of Ambiguous grief is the main storyline of the book and movie “The Notebook.” In this popular romantic story, Noah tells an epic love story to his wife Allie who has dementia.
- Some days, Allie recognizes Noah as her husband, and other days she does not. In the end, it is revealed that Noah is telling their story to Allie. Watching someone you love change or forget who you are knowing you can never go back to the way things were is one experience of ambiguous grief.
Having hope that perhaps a person you have lost may come back to you is another example of ambiguous grief.
- If an adult child is estranged from their parents, the parent may experience the same symptoms as a parent who loses a child to death. The difference is however, that the parent who has lost a child to a death knows that child will not be able to come back to them.
The incompleteness of ambiguous grief is an extra layer on top of the complex pain you are already feeling. It requires a tolerance of ambiguity and the seemingly unfair parts of life.
Is Ambiguous Grief The Same As Anticipatory Grief?
- There is a difference between Ambiguous grief and Anticipatory grief. With Ambiguous grief you may not feel anything is certain. You do not get the closure you desire, or you lose an aspect of a person but not the entire person like with dementia.
- Whereas, Anticipatory grief is felt when a loved one is sick, parents are aging, or even when a child is close to leaving the home. The anticipation of a loss or a major life change can ignite feelings of grief.
Why Is Ambiguous Grief So Difficult To Process?
Even in grief, our minds want to find what is certain, what we know for sure. Just as we have come to terms with a loss, a divorce, or a diagnosis, something happens that changes your mindset. Ambiguous grief is complicated because of the unknown and the fact that the person you have lost still physically exists on the planet. Perhaps even, still with you. It can feel as if you are frozen in time.
When we think of grief, we often think of death, but when a death has not occurred, the stages of grief are irrelevant.
Are You Experiencing Ambiguous Grief ?
If you feel this type of frozen grief and are unable to come to a place of complete acceptance of your loss, you are not alone. Ambiguous grief is rarely the initial reason individuals come to see me, but it shows up quite often in sessions. As I mentioned earlier, I’m convinced no one escapes this experience of grief.
Getting help with these complex feelings and ever-changing stages can minimize the intensity of the pain you are feeling.
How To Work Through Ambiguous Grief?
The best ways for someone to work through this ever-evolving grief are to consult a therapist, find support from family and friends, practice self-care, and give it time.
Many heartbreaks in life can evolve into a different phase or feeling with time. Accepting that closure may not exist and may need to be created internally is challenging but necessary. Acknowledging that there is a loss and that it is painful is vital to beginning the process of feeling better.
Just because it is not a death does not mean it is not a loss.
One thing I help my clients learn is that multiple truths can exist simultaneously. Ambiguity is part of life; though confusing, we really can learn to tolerate it.
- You can be happy that you are out of a bad relationship, getting a divorce, and feel grief for the loss of the relationship you once had or dreamed of.
- You can be grateful your mother is still alive and be devastated by her recent dementia diagnosis.
- You can recognize that not being around a friend anymore has brought you less stress, but you can also feel insecure or depressed about the change in friendship.
Processing significant life changes is easier with help. When it comes to grief and grieving, having a safe space to process complicated feelings is helpful. If you are struggling with conflicting thoughts, feeling frozen, or having a tough time tolerating the ambiguity of your feelings, you are not alone. Understanding what you are going through will help you create a more meaningful life. If you need to talk, contact Laura Trapani at TherapyLink.
